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Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Trade everything

This is my story.

My mind is poised at all times to fixate on ways to be that are fulfilling and spiritual, or even just very alive. No more of the emptiness that has filled most of my life. This was my life's goal.

My mind is always searching, always ready. It is motivated beyond all things to try to shape all of my activities and thoughts into a new life, one that is consistent, that doesn't require struggle and effort to avoid collapsing back into the emptiness, the waiting.

I want to have, to be. Not feel lack and emptiness. I will trade everything else for this, my entire life. I bargain with life. "I will give up everything just to have this one thing."

This part of me is restless. If something good happens, my mind steps right in. "How can I do this all the time? How can I structure it into my life?" My mind is like a snapping turtle, ready to grab on and not let go for anything.

This is the opposite of freedom. It is illusion. It gets in the way, because I allow my mind to chase what I am absorbing in the moment, trying to make it permanent. Poof, the goodness detected disappears. I can be sitting listening to a profound talk about prana on YouTube, and I can't hear it anymore because my mind steps in. "I need to find a master like this, to sit at their feet, to learn, to ask and to learn. I could do that, I wonder if there are any in Las Vegas. I should start searching right now to find out..."

Meanwhile, I am not listening. I only made it about 2 and 1/2 minutes into a ten minute talk.

"The Relationship between Prana & Sound" - A Talk by Swami Satchidananda

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