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Wednesday, October 26, 2016

This is all new

To experience the highest, to experience the Supreme,
you must put forth self-effort. In this way, when you
receive the Guru's grace, it will stay with you forever.

~ G______ (my Guru)

All of this is a gift from my guru.

This is new. Instead of doing spiritual practices to have spiritual experiences, I have been given the grace to do austerities for long periods throughout the day, mainly listening to chants and chanting the mantra inside.

This builds up a fullness of shakti and bliss. This makes it easier to continue with the practices in the now. I become drunk with bhakti (devotion).

I reach out to the Guru and the ashram (which is also the Guru). The Guru reaches back, filling me with bliss. The connection stays; it becomes stronger.

All of this is in the now. It turns out that focusing on the present moment is key to my sadhana, a different kind of discipline.

"Structure" is not now. Structure doesn't work for me (I am overly and obsessively structured). It has taken all of these years to finally understand that the minute I say "every day I will..." I am no longer in the now, in what is real. It's a concept. This is worse than useless for me. An obsession. Delusion.

For some time now I have been very disciplined in the now with disciplining my mind. I have enough control of my mind now that I can usually still it the second it starts with thoughts I don't want to entertain. 

I can now still my mind when it is afraid or unbelieving about long periods of continuing spiritual practices. I can also still my mind when it balks at repetition.

I don't force myself. If I can't still and be at peace with my mind in the moment, I back up and try again.

I have come to a place where my sadhana comes first, and is everything.  I said goodbye to everything else. My single goal in this life is to merge with God.

I have reached the point where more of me than not wants to be engaged in the practices without substantial interruption. I contain the shakti without spending it out on the town. This is huge.

I can see now. I thought that the goal was to do practices in order to reach a higher state that didn't require consistent effort. What is true is that I maintain a steady effort with practices and study to reach and sustain a higher state... because it increases my connection to the Guru and her state. I am aware of her as my constant companion. I need spiritual practices to express my love for her, and for God.

There is nothing I can ever do to repay her for even the smallest portion of her grace.

Did I mention this is all new?

All of this is a gift from my guru.

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