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Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Withdraw to become

There came that tiny moment... a few seconds... when I gave it up, the lifelong obsession.

I will not control this place. I cannot find my place in this world.

There is no place.

This obsession is useless, worse than useless. It is never going to work.

I let go. It was the first time in this lifetime. I chose to completely let go for a few seconds.

Maybe I can do this... maybe I can actually drop the "reins" that I thought would save me. And the illusion hit the dust with a tiny, subtle "puh" sound of release.

My being felt a shift, a sea change.

Only God? Yes. Let this go.

I choose without reaching, let go of the inner goal of control. Yes. Each time the inner transformation expands again, and is more profound.

Others may find their enlightenment in increased participation in the world, as seva, as love. I am (the) other. I withdraw to become. I am alone.

I see a shimmering, swimming ocean of golden shakti. I laugh a lot. I feel good, I feel bad. I try to control. I don't. On to the next moment.

I cannot be destroyed nor even delayed by circumstance. My whole life has been about fighting circumstance in order to make up for tragedy and loss. My life is still a mess in many ways. How thrilling it is to finally unshoulder the burden, this useless obsession!

Now, this is living. It is possible for me to not fight this anymore. Grace.

I want what is real. I always have. I have craved it all my life, which felt so empty, a whispy reflection of something undefinable, essential, missing.

It is right action to take care of myself, and to offer this action as sacrifice (to God).

I give up the obsession that I can finally decide what will happen.

Not an intellectual change. Not by thinking it. Not by obeying some rule. Simply by letting it be in me. It is. I have uncovered this reality on the clutter clearing path of sadhana.

What? My survival does not depend on fixing my world. Finally, this truth has taken hold in me. I can choose this, it is growing in my consciousness. I keep wanting it more than the obsession. Freedom. Reality. Truth.

This is where life is going on.

I have heard Lord Krishna's wisdom, and aspired to his powerful yogas. But it has taken so many years to finally have a moment where I say:

"I let go, I release my obsession, it feels terrifying, but I must take a stand. I will not fight what is, pursue what is not. I choose freedom. I renounce delusion. I will."

Lord Krishna as Narayana, one with the sacred waters of the ocean,
and of the sacred river, the place between worlds

BHAGAVAD GITA ~ Lord Krishna's teachings on Divine Yoga    
Chapter three: Karma Yoga (excerpt, emphasis mine)
A person does not escape karma by just not doing anything. It is not through mere renunciation that one achieves perfection. 
It is better to do one’s own duty imperfectly than to do the duty of another well. It is better even to die doing one’s own duty; the duty of another is perilous. 
Giving up attachment, perform actions as a practice of yoga, Arjuna. Be the same whether you are successful or unsuccessful; this equanimity is what is called yoga. 
Arjuna, action alone is much inferior to action done with the yoga of understanding. Take refuge in understanding; those driven by the pursuit of results are pathetic. 
With one’s mind disciplined in understanding, one transcends here both good and bad acts. So devote yourself to yoga. Yoga is skillfullness in actions. 
One who does what needs to be done while remaining unattached to the results of this action is a true renouncer and a yogi, not the one who has merely abandoned the sacrificial fire or eschews religious rites. 
Everyone in this world is bound by actions unless they are done as sacrifices. So perform action with that as the purpose, Arjuna, freed from attachment. 
I accept as an offering of devotion even just a leaf, a flower, a piece of fruit, or a water offering which has been presented to me with devotion by the devout. 
Whatever you do, whatever you eat, whatever you sacrifice, whatever you give, whatever kind of austerities you perform, do that as an offering to me, Arjuna. 
All actions are done just by the qualities of nature, but one who is deluded by the ego thinks, “I am the doer.” 
But, Arjuna, one who knows the true nature of the distinctions between actions and qualities, and who thinks, ‘Qualities depend on other qualities,’ he is not attached. 
One who sees inaction in action and action in inaction has understanding among men, disciplined in all actions he performs.  

How I love you, sweet Krishna

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