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Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Walk away

Little visual and sense memories of moments from my life are coming to me throughout my day, day after day. The memories often have the suffocating, concentrated energy feeling that I have come to associate with life before shaktipat when I was fully invested in maya, in illusion.

I am burning little (large?) bits of karma, of memory, of life I "experienced" as happening to me, my story, my investment in it...

Then, after weeks of intense feelings about ______ (Paramashiva as _____), I had a brief moment where I realized I was thinking of him all the time, but he had a full life and most of the time wasn't thinking of me at all.

And I pushed my feelings away...! I pushed life away. I was disgusted, uh uh... not me. (The way I dealt with my father's rejection. Don't let him see the pain.. turn and walk away).

I have burnt away enough of my karmas and the illusions of maya, and of the malas that I can turn inside of a samskara (patterned illusion of thought made with pain), turn right in it and look through and past it, letting it slip from my grip, I breathe on it, breathe free of it, and choose to walk away.

This is freakin' huge. I am at a place where I can challenge the deepest, the worst, the most painful.

As for __________, I still love him. I just don't jump on the emotions, turning them into my favorite: an intense ride.

I love him. If I love him that is enough. There need be no story, no resolution of huge incompatibility. Nope. Not happening. That was an illusion.

I think?

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