Little visual and sense memories of moments from my life are coming to me throughout my day, day after day. The memories often have the suffocating, concentrated energy feeling that I have come to associate with life before shaktipat when I was fully invested in maya, in illusion.
I am burning little (large?) bits of karma, of memory, of life I "experienced" as happening to me, my story, my investment in it...
Then, after weeks of intense feelings about ______ (Paramashiva as _____), I had a brief moment where I realized I was thinking of him all the time, but he had a full life and most of the time wasn't thinking of me at all.
And I pushed my feelings away...! I pushed life away. I was disgusted, uh uh... not me. (The way I dealt with my father's rejection. Don't let him see the pain.. turn and walk away).
I have burnt away enough of my karmas and the illusions of maya, and of the malas that I can turn inside of a samskara (patterned illusion of thought made with pain), turn right in it and look through and past it, letting it slip from my grip, I breathe on it, breathe free of it, and choose to walk away.
This is freakin' huge. I am at a place where I can challenge the deepest, the worst, the most painful.
As for __________, I still love him. I just don't jump on the emotions, turning them into my favorite: an intense ride.
I love him. If I love him that is enough. There need be no story, no resolution of huge incompatibility. Nope. Not happening. That was an illusion.