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Saturday, July 6, 2013

Enfold the divine

Her darshan, she is teaching by her state, living inside
She is teaching, always teaching,
here by her state, living inside
I dreamed of my guru. She was walking past me, and hesitated for just a moment, as though to stop and speak with me, but she wasn't really stopping. She was continuing by.

I said her name. She stopped and turned to me. Standing very close, her huge eyes were like dark, liquid pools, drawing me in.

"Talk to me," I said, yearning for her to stay close, to hear her voice. "Please talk to me."

Still she stood silent, answering with her eyes, her dark, liquid eyes.





Roses and hydrangea
Garlands of blossoms for my beloved guru

All of the times when I was in her physical presence and she walked by without looking at me, when inside my ego was terrified and saying "don't look, don't look," when I thought I would die if she looked at me...

I had never seen someone call to her when she was walking by. It was a matter of being respectful, of cherishing and protecting the guru, priceless beyond measure.

But these years later I wish I would have spoken, even if only in a whisper: "Gurumayi..." I wish she would have heard me, and turned to look at me. It would have been enough for her to just look into my eyes.

(Perhaps her gaze would have broken the egg called ego, an act of pure love...).

And so... in my dream, instead of letting her slip by, of feeling she was only just appearing to my ego as though she might turn towards me, burning that fear in me... I say her name. I say her name and she turns to me. But she doesn't talk to me, she doesn't answer that yearning. Instead she shows me the depth, the mystery, the everything there in her eyes, pulling me in.


Pink and white rununculus in the garden
I am bursting forth into fullness... as in, I rock

I am being taught by life, by grace, to accept without meaning, to not sew it all together, to choose another way than living in my head with these concepts of meaning, bargaining with life as though I am God, the root of all action. To choose instead to live in my heart with the mystical delight of pure discovery and adventure, as this happens all around me, for these many things are the affairs of the heart. They are the One at play.





To simply notice the divine moving within me, accepting it without rajas, without doing.





It is a delicate flowering of recognition of the divine, of accepting it already full and pure in my self. It is the answer to a lifetime of the delusion of grasping, pushing, pulling inside, pushing myself about as my own bully, hurling myself about like a carnival ride, betraying parts of myself, bargaining them away for tiny drops of illusion and the worthless rustling of moments.

No more. My guru, my guru... how I love you.

1 comment:

jnana shiva said...

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