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Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Old again

Full moon and clouds

I remember parts of the dream, "post-apocalyptic," all the rules of life had changed. But it was the peculiar feeling tone of the dream, very strong, that hasn't left for days...

Actor James Cromwell
Actor James Cromwell

Then last night, a dream of the older friend, ("played by" actor James Cromwell), married, my storied affection for him confessed, he went somewhere I could not follow, from which he might not survive (right in his home, up through the water to the source, a lifelong metaphor in many of dreams).

I knew not to wait. My advice to those who still waited: "Ask next time he goes... how do I come for you if you don't return?"

Grace teaches me, taught me when I was holding onto the huge surge of ecstasy, trying to keep it going (control it), I started living in the past. As soon as I let go, and chose to follow grace.... right now...

I am burning, the shakti is purifying me, the highest flames make me shake inside, but I close my eyes, and breathe God's name. I offer myself to the fire... "take my karmas, take my belief in suffering."

I learn this again every day. Because of shaktipat, I stand in the fire, my karmas are being burned up. When I believe in suffering, that suffering and the resulting karma becomes fuel for the purifying fire. When I lift my head, and say "no, none of this happened to me... 'I' am only God, and decided to forget," I am no longer suffering. I am purifying, paying my spiritual debts. I stop making new karma. I begin to live in the truth, that all of this is God.

I have chosen God instead of my belief in suffering.

I am on fire. (What a lifestyle).

The swadhya (prolonged spiritual effort) of performing these two practices, of not believing in suffering, of surrendering to grace as it is right now, has brought me closer to guru and God. 
Another surge of shakti has followed, and I learn from this. Choose now, whatever is now. 

This is sacred. Please tread here with reverence.

Late at night, knocked about by these tumbling feelings, I tumble into that dark space (I have been here before, the cave of the heart) where there is no light, no sound, no movement at all. Only an emanating presence...

A being so holy, so sacred, that just to be near is to be washed clean and old again, breathing out the eternal ohhh of recognition... I am kneeling in boundless reverence in the presence of my Creator, who has made me from Himself.

Shiva. My Lord's name... Shiva. So beautiful. Shiva. My Beloved.

Om namah shivaya.


Cave of the heart

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