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Sunday, May 19, 2013

I chose grace

Shree Lalitha
"Salutations to the Divine Mother, 
who is the Mother of all"
~Shree Lalitha Sahasranamam~
I had an amazing spiritual experience.

I was listening to different chants online, searching for a favorite Lalitha Sahasranamam to play at the start of the day.

And as I was listening to the beautiful mantras for Devi Lalitha, I fell into a very sweet, very deep meditation. I was carried inward and felt so much ecstasy that I found myself freed from care about anything around me, all the little things that "hold" my attention outward through the day.

Immediately I surged forward, as I always do, using my will to try to increase moments of ecstasy and focus, trying to gain control and direct the experience, turning it into something I can maintain and strengthen at will.

And just as immediately I remembered my recent powerful change in my understanding of pushing versus grace: that "pushing" is not the freedom and truth of non-dualism (i.e. instead it is the dualism of "me versus not me"), that "reaching" and trying to control is choosing to believe attainment is not already present (i.e. believing there is "God versus not God").

I looked instead to find grace in this beautiful moment. All progress is grace, and grace has been given to me, by grace. Most precious above all that is precious...

I chose grace. I relaxed into the deep inner place of grace from which this experience was flowing, and was taken deeper into the steady state of focus there, into the inner bliss.

Shree Parvati
"Who is as radiant as a thousand 
suns rising together"
(the sahasrara, or crown chakra)
Grace is... or I am doing something. Grace is allowed... or I am pushing it aside in my busy searching.

Grace remained. Grace was there every time I re-focused inward.

I found that I had been given the choice of following my usual tug of outward consciousness, flying upward and outward with the tug of maya, back into dualism... or to choose to stay with this inner place of grace as steady consciousness.

Again and again, as occasionally my mind wavered a little, fidgeted, I chose to quiet back into the bliss, the inner place that tugged downward (into God). For the first time (that I remember), I was able to keep my consciousness steady in this deep, inner place.

Even when I got up to go in the other room, I had the grace to keep choosing this completely steady inner focus.

The most amazing thing was that I was CRYSTAL CLEAR that there was nothing outside of this center place that held any interest for me whatsoever. That visiting the world of dual consciousness (flowing outward as my senses, fixating of my senses) is merely HABIT, and nothing more.

The amazing bliss was that of a very deep meditation, of dipping down into the very refreshing nectar of the inner consciousness, and the blessing of a continuous darshan (experience) of the inner Self, who is Paramashiva.

I thought, as I always think at this point, (during a spiritual experience, when I am most free), that I am very near realization, or at least feel it is a sure result of whatever is happening right now. I immediately recognized this thinking and reception of the experience as a form of pushing, as I try to shape the divinely shaped experience into one where I attain my desire for the ultimate goal.

For the first time, I stepped back, making room for the divinely shaped experience to unfold without reflexively trying to control or direct.

Today I could see the beginning of a NEW HABIT which I might be so blessed by grace to attain, to remain focused inward in this steady blissful way, a new way of being which I can learn on the my guru's path to "my" REALIZATION. I was grateful for it, and overjoyed, for I experienced it as being sustained in an amazing experience of attainment by grace.

Jai Durga Maa
"Who dwells in a lotus forest, 
the thousand-petaled lotus 
of the Sahasrara"
(crown chakra)

I immediately prayed for this boon: Guruji, I pray that I will have the grace and ability to choose and remain in this new place of focus on God.

Thank you thank you thank you for the realization that struggling to attain is not attainment, that attainment is always the gift of grace first, and then my part as the one who acknowledges and opens to grace.

Thank you thank you thank you...

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