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Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Divine desire

What horrible, despicable contraction.

I am still bipolar it seems. Every other time I reached this point, I gave up and went back into hiding, waiting again for the long wheel to circle around and bring me back to this place... one more time... where I can try again, if I remember.

I will not give up, I decide.

It's a small decision. Just to hang on. To not believe all is lost. To still love God and repeat His name, as much as I can, even a little. "The mantra is protection against the pain of the world," said my guru.

I think that I must burn this place just like any other. It is fuel for the purifying fire of my guru. (The mantra, the mantra...)

I pray to guru, to God, please help!

Why? Songs from my teen years come to mind. They play in my mind, and it is soothing somehow to remember that time. Even when I had no way of knowing yet that I was already free, already with my Beloved, inside...

Gordon Lightfoot playing from the heart on stage. I close my eyes and that old, painful, extremely wistful longing arises again. Only this time, after all those times....

This time I close my eyes and know that this is all only NOW, there is only ONE. I am God experiencing the beautiful art of singing from the heart, songs about myself apart, and alone.... yet almost remembering my divine desire...

To return to myself.

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