It's official, I am very contracted. I just sit like a blob! Sitting as still as I can seems to be my only desire. And I yawn constantly. This is very strange.
I pushed pushed pushed when I was soaring with constant and abundant grace. So now, I think I'm burning pushing, grasping, reaching (rajas). (And of course, also burning tamas "inertia," and attachment to sattva "purity").
Grace changes track, is teaching me about receiving grace without the impurities of limitations, created by my mind: "Growing spiritually means _____ and looks like this ______, etc."
I am so grateful to accept where I am. I choose to meditate, repeat mantra japa, perform puja and listen to the mantra anyway, even if I don't "feel it." I can find that familiar, comforting freedom in performing actions without being attached to the fruits (e.g. whether practices make me feel uplifted, how much, for how long, etc. etc.).
Years ago, when I hit a huge block in my meditation, I tried and tried and eventually gave up. All these years later, I have finally got going with regular meditation again.
I think my ego is taking advantage of my current contracted state to try to stop meditating again. And so, as I recognize that I am not where I was, I have compassionately pared my meditation down to a shorter period I can sit for everyday without reaching a point of frustration and wanting to quit.
I am determined. I am not fighting. No pushing or pulling.
I remember Bade Baba's hands, they are always open, no grasping, no pushing or pulling.
This time the ego will not win (said every yogi, ever...).
Bade Baba kept his hands open most of the time. It was a powerful
communication of his supreme freedom, given with his darshan. It was
a simple, yet very high teaching of the spiritual practice of acceptance, of not
holding or grasping, not pulling towards or pushing away, and of not having
attachment to the fruits of action, all of which engages with the
dualistic activities of maya and creates karma.
~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~