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Sunday, May 5, 2013

Burning the karma of pushing

Tree rings*
It's official, I am very contracted. I just sit like a blob! Sitting as still as I can seems to be my only desire. And I yawn constantly. This is very strange.

I pushed pushed pushed when I was soaring with constant and abundant grace. So now, I think I'm burning pushing, grasping, reaching (rajas). (And of course, also burning tamas "inertia," and attachment to sattva "purity").

Grace changes track, is teaching me about receiving grace without the impurities of limitations, created by my mind: "Growing spiritually means _____ and looks like this ______, etc."

I am so grateful to accept where I am. I choose to meditate, repeat mantra japa, perform puja and listen to the mantra anyway, even if I don't "feel it." I can find that familiar, comforting freedom in performing actions without being attached to the fruits (e.g. whether practices make me feel uplifted, how much, for how long, etc. etc.).

Years ago, when I hit a huge block in my meditation, I tried and tried and eventually gave up. All these years later, I have finally got going with regular meditation again.

I think my ego is taking advantage of my current contracted state to try to stop meditating again. And so, as I recognize that I am not where I was, I have compassionately pared my meditation down to a shorter period I can sit for everyday without reaching a point of frustration and wanting to quit.

I am determined. I am not fighting. No pushing or pulling.

I remember Bade Baba's hands, they are always open, no grasping, no pushing or pulling.

This time the ego will not win (said every yogi, ever...).

~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~ ... ~

*Tree Rings by Arnoldius (Own work (selbst erstelltes Foto)) [CC-BY-SA-2.5 (], via Wikimedia Commons


Vishnu said...

Hi Jnana - that pesky ego is always after us, isn't it?

Wanting to meditate when not 'feeling it' is a universal feeling we all have. The only way i've been able to do it is to practice fora few minutes consistently each day at the same time. sometimes it's longer period, often shorter, especially on busy days but I try not to be too angry with myself.

not pushing or pulling, just being open and accepting is the way to go in meditation and life:)

jnana shiva said...

Thanks for your comment, and for stopping by, Vishnu.

Yes, I do find that aiming for a shorter meditation every day is much better (and a lot more fun!) than trying to reach the previously achieved longer time no matter how I feel, (and not always making it). Plus, getting caught up in struggle is not required for, and is certainly a barrier to enlightenment!

Those who come across this comment will definitely want to visit Vishnu's excellent blog, "Vishnu's Virtues" at

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