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Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Amma means mother

Okay, I am having a rough day. I am contracted, and only feel grace in little glimmers here and there.

I felt a subtle darshan when I came across this photo on "Amma" Sri Karunamayi's website.
"Amma" Sri Karunamayi
I still hear the effervescent "prana through akasha" nada sound continuously in both ears.

Thinking about it... for the last couple of days I no longer have the intense compulsion for my blog that I had before (continuously for months).

I can actually sit and look at my computer, and not reach out and grab it (laptop) and dive back in. I can just sit.

I think I almost burned up my ability to focus during months of intense burning of the rajasic compulsions through focusing on my blog.

And now that the compulsion finally seems to have stopped, I am feeling lost.

I was terrified that my ______ benefits had been discontinued. And like the old terror I faced as an adolescent, I wanted to hide. It was too terrifying, fear like molten lead. (I had to make myself go down there, of course not near as bad as I thought).

 "Amma" Mata Amritanandamayi
the "hugging saint"
(Wikimedia Commons)
This is all related. 

I finally created adulthood out of forcing myself to do things. Right now I am not doing that, or only when necessary, and it is very different from anything in my adulthood to live this way.

"This way" is waiting, ready to find and learn the new way, one that is integrated, not one of rough pushing of myself, not sacrificing of any tenderness, not pushing out of consciousness the costs of pushing down and out of consciousness. 

(Meanwhile, I'm on vacation).

My Guru, help me to sit with this place, to not be worried if I feel contracted. 

If I am burning this contracted place, help me to offer all of it to the sacred fire, and to seek the center of Shree Agni where my ego and karmas will be burned up. 

I focus with my consciousness, on the contractions as consciousness, as fuel for the fire, which is consciousness. (I love this dharana).

Aum namah shivaya.

PS I have finally accepted my body EXACTLY the way it is. This is HUGE, I tell you <laugh!>. I quit wearing that torture instrument called a bra, which never fits me right anyway. I was given a gift (guru's grace) in finding the most amazingly perfect spaghetti strap top, which I've decided to wear without a bra. I bought several. All of this is a metaphor for my overall spiritual growth right now, which is what this blog has been and is all about. Accept what is. Jettison delusion and whatever else is in the way. I'm alone. Etc.

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