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Thursday, April 11, 2013

Everything in my life could be described as one of two things

Tropical beach at sunrise
an ocean of
g r a c e
Everything in my life could be described as one of two things:

1) Things I did before, until I knew what I wanted to do, and

2) What I do now, what I want to do, what I am born to do

It's as big of a difference as can be!

In the third grade, I discovered the fantasy world of books in the Oz series. Just as quickly this world came crashing down around me when I read the last Oz book. Painful.

I was keenly aware of the absence of anything that I wanted to do in my adolescence. I wanted to leave this world and go to Middle Earth or Dune or Gethen. I knew that if I found "it," I would feel just like this: __________. And it would be deeply fulfilling all the time, not just for a moment.

Alive, magical, fulfilled, challenged, delighted, ecstatic, unfolding, adventurous, calm, grounded, Robert DeNiro (and the ketchup bottle in Heat), know who I am and why I'm here, alive, magical, fulfilled.....

moonrise over water
a full measure of
g r a c e
Meanwhile, I spent my life chasing flickers and shadows. (I am half sick of shadows...)

I found things to do while I was seeking seeking seeking... These things filled my time but I was living on my inner resources. My life took from but did not replenish me.

By middle age I was slowly dying, and I knew it. Every year felt worse than the one before.

I tried and tried different things, but eventually I gave up and sat down to wait. I was like the little match girl, burning my dwindling supply of matches, (the resource I must trade for sustenance), one by one... for a little moment of almost warmth.

But then... I found guru's grace (it found me) and this (current) day became inevitable, but there was a lot to "burn" before a new reality could begin. I was still wandering lost, an ex-patriate of the magical kingdom of ___________.

Until... finally...


Everything changed.

I choose to be alone in the world. Solitary is a feeling, a mental state, and vast re-arranging of my internal priorities and experience.

I have renounced almost all social interaction and the pursuit of a career. Why? Because I'm not interested in them anymore.

golden clouds above sunrise
healing rays of your luminous
g r a c e
I choose to merge with God. God is everything to me. My life as a solitary and a renunciant means my life has been radically prioritized so that all of my time and resources are for God and my spiritual path.

As soon as I made this change, all the pain was gone, all the soul starvation and dwindling away slipped away like old leaves in a high wind, as I sank up to my knees in moist new soil, warm and fragrant and rich with all the nutrients for my starving soul.

(Your divine grace...)

My life is completely different.

I immediately felt that nostalgic feeling of moving on, saying goodbye to what I've known.

Farewell... I am turning at last to God. I didn't realize how little I need others, who are a part of the play of multiplicity. "Others" aren't bad, nor especially good, just parts of the Self committed to the play. I am not. For whatever reason(s), my path is solitary.

I am saying my farewells to always feeling that I am missing something essential, to yearning and yearning for God, who is out of reach (painful). I am saying my farewells to believing I am separate from God.

I am saying my farewells to painful anava mala, to feeling separate
from God, and the painful feeling of missing something eternal and essential.

an endless shower of
g r a c e
I am saying my farewells to painful mayiya mala, to thinking I like or dislike anything, that everything is either ______ or ______, that I must organize the world based on the dualism of me/not me, mine/not mine.

I am saying my farewells to karma mala, to thinking I am the root of action, that I am the cause of the fruits of my actions, and trying to assume control over the cause and effect of my life and my universe... a very huge burden indeed.

I am saying hello to the exquisite life I always wanted, but couldn't find anywhere. So exquisite, so real, I think of God before I open my eyes in the morning, sometimes before I think of anything else, and pranam in my heart.

Namaste, namaskaar, my Beloved, the purpose of my life. I have installed You as the God of the temple of my heart. Pranam.

rippling wavelets on blue water
an endless pool of
n e c t a r
I make of my self offerings. Pranam.

I make of all activity pradakshina (circling in worship).

I offer each out breath as mantra, your name as my only prayer.

I accept each in breath as prasad, made from your out breath, my Beloved. We are one.

I am so rich to caress this endless string of gleaming black pearls, (lotus seed mala), each one as the very name of my most Beloved, who is Shiva. Om Namah Shivaya.

The sacred flame, Shree Agni, burns here in my heart; I wave the lights as worship at the mystical doorway to Your Transcendent Being, my true self. Om Gurudeva.

The sacred mantra vibrates here in my heart; divine nada (sounds) pull my consciousness up through this divine akasha (ether) to the temple of your heart of hearts, my Beloved Lord, who is Paramashiva. Om.

The nectars of transmission (shruti-smriti-teachings) are the constant abhishek of my heart, the living temple of all inner places, reserved for You alone, Maheshwar. I worship You as everything, Parameshwar. I worship You as my Self, Oldest One, Elder of the Vedas, Triambakam. Lord of Mercy, Hara, Nilakantha. My creator, Omkara. Om Namah Shivaya. Om.

I love you.

Rameshwar Mandir

If you like my prose, may I entice you to visit
my poetry blog, here? spanda·nanda

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